How do you know if you married the right person?
Here’s the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. You simply feel on top of the world as nothing and nobody matters to you anymore like the one you love.
Naam… it’s amazing, since you can’t describe it; isn’t it?
Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love – because it’s happening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.” Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and it happened TO YOU. Quite magnetic, you feel connected with this person even without a touch.
Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive, spontaneous experience. No be so?
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcomed (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. Everything seemingly hurts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. The pathetic atmosphere that calls for immediate redress or that constant thought of wanting to quit.
AudhuBiLlaah min dhalik!
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, “Did I marry the right person?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. This is when divorce sets in. This is when you envy the mirage of others and you Chase the shadows of a love made of TV. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment. This is the tiny line.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. Some simply run away from home.
Home sweet home, now home sour home!
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. This is because, THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT ONLY FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S ALSO ABOUT LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You can’t “find” LASTING love free of traffic. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That’s why we have the expression “the labor of love.” Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
My friend, make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. One of them is resolving within you to resolve whatever issues revolving around your marriage. Stop the fantasy of other people’s new love’s ecstasy. Wake up in the middle of the night, have some Nawafils and seek the face of the Almighty, Allaah.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable – you can “make” love out of that swollen heart again.
LET’S do it this way; why not tell your spouse tonight…sweetheart, CAN WE START AFRESH? Whether you have the response you desire doesn’t matter, what matters is your own willing to start afresh. Let that CHANGE BEGINS WITH YOU!
We ask Allaah to help ease the affairs of our homes. Aameen.
Allaahu ul Musta’aan
…May Allah give us a better understanding & guide us to accept the truth